Every single one of my posts are the same. So instead of saying I never blog I'm just gonna jump right in.
I've been debating whether or not I really even wanted to blog about this and I decided since I don't keep a journal that I will. Hopefully anyone who reads this doesn't feel sorry for me because I don't want that. I just want to talk about it. Because it helps me to understand and move on.
I had a miscarriage in February this year. At first this was really hard for me because I have wanted kids since basically we got married. I was that one wife that was always baby hungry! And when we decided to start trying i could not get pregnant soon enough. So we found out in January we were pregnant an not even a month later after hearing a heart beat and everything the baby was gone. I don't know much to explain about it other than it happened and it was an awful experience on my body, hormones and all, but I have learned so much from it. And I mean spiritually because there's not much i want to learn about miscarriages.
Let me start by saying that from the beginning I was a nervous wreck. And every time we went to the doctor there was something off. I understand that doctors want to put everything out in the open so they don't have to cover their backs later but it was little things like "well you're measuring a week behind so maybe because you were irregular this is why"..."it's possible you ovulated off schedule"..."the baby's heartbeat is low"..."but your hcg is fine, so the baby could be fine"...."We can't know til next week so come back then for another ultrasound and we'll tell you."
How do you just say those things?!?!
Anyways, I get it. I don't blame them. But I went back to that appointment which was the first one I went alone to. Ray and I had a conversation about it that morning and I felt pretty good. I felt like God knew what I wanted and he was going to make sure I was okay and that meant the baby was okay. But I was wrong. That's the thing about God. He doesn't do what we want to happen...unless it's what best for us. And sometimes we forget this.
I laid on that bench and I am happy and excited. We're talking and I'm looking at the screen thinking, "man that thing grew, it looks bigger than last time." The technician hesitated. She searched around on the screen for a while and then she said, " I'm so sorry. I can't find a heart beat. I'm so sorry."
I can't even breathe. I can't even move or think or talk. She says go ahead and get dressed and the doctor will meet you. She says sorry again and leaves. She has an awkward job. (I feel bad for her looking back at it.) I still don't know what to think so I just start going through the motions. "Okay this lady obviously isn't good at her job because she heard a heartbeat last time. What's different now?" I go in the waiting room. I still can't cry because I'm in denial. Ray isn't even here so I know this can't be happening.
They call my name and put me in a room. They take my blood pressure or something and then leave and act like nothing is wrong. "The doctor will be right with you she says." And I loose it. I can feel it. I know it's real. The baby is gone. I'm crying. No, I'm bawling. I'm embarrassed and I am trying to stop myself so the doctor doesn't feel awkward and just when I could contain myself she is here.
But she can't even look at me. She just jumps right into it. I know she feels bad but she should say something then. Instead she is asking me questions like if I had any bleeding or spotting or anything unusual. No I say, nothing is different. Then she gives me three options for "the removal". I can have a D&C, which is expensive. Wait it out and flush it naturally, or take medicine to make it come out quickly. She tells me it could be unsafe to do it naturally because it could take a while and according to my tests the baby died sometime after my last ultrasound and most likely it was even that same day. This is bad because it can cause a lot of damage on my body not to mention it's already been a week and no sign of a miscarriage...so obviously I'm going to take the medicine.
I call Ray and he takes the day off. We go to get the prescription and they girl is looking at us weird. Do you know what this does? Do you know how it works? We say yes the doctor explained it. So she says to call if we have questions and we leave. I don't wanna take it. I keep having this feeling what if we were wrong? But I know we weren't because I was there and I saw. No blood flow to the baby and no heart beat.
Its time to take the medicine so I read the label. This medicine is prescribed for ABORTIONS. I lose it again. How am I just suppose to take this medicine after that? I feel like a terrible person. Like I am killing my child. But Ray tells me it's not my fault and I'm not hurting the baby and I have to take this medicine or my body can get really messed up. Its not the same thing. The doctor said it was the best option after all. But I don't know if I trust her or not now, she didn't even tell me what kind of medicine this was!!!!! But I trust Ray. So I take it. And it forces me to have contractions. And I'm throwing up and I'm on Oxycodone at the same time for pain so I'm loopy and I don't know what's what. and then after about a week of bleeding my child out it's over.
It feels so insensitive to see that I just flushed my once-child down the toilet. I feel like I should be burying it. But that's crazy. And some people don't even think that at this stage it could even be considered a child. Don't get me started on that. There was a heartbeat. Distinct heartbeat. At 7 weeks, given I didn't get this baby for long enough to bond for long. But I was starting to become a mother. I was forming habits and thinking and preparing for this little being to be mine but now it's gone.
I don't blame God. I'm not even angry. At least not at first. At first I am just numb. I rarely even cry actually, because I am just going through the motions. But a week or two later it sinks in. While I'm back at work and I think about how I still have to work until the end of the year! And when I see people who are in high school and get pregnant without even trying!!! And when people ask me when are you going to have kids?! Why don't you have kids yet?! ARE YOU SERIOUS? DO YOU KNOW WHAT I JUST WENT THROUGH? Stop asking when I am gonna have kids.
That phase lasted a few days and then I really started to pray. I am not an angry person and I hated the way i felt. I was angry all the time. I needed closure and to move on. I asked Ray for a blessing and he gave me one. I cried and cried and felt a little better. I decided I needed to study about the Plan of Salvation a little more. And then for the next week it seemed like that's all I ever heard about! A few days later I was visiting teaching and it hit me like a ton of bricks. God knows my desire to be a mother and it will happen but not on my time, it will happen on his time. It was so comforting.
I felt like it all made sense again. Maybe this experience was more of a sign for me to see that Heavenly Father is aware of what I want and what I need. I was always scared that I would not be able to get pregnant. And now I know I can. Maybe that sounds blasphemous but it really helps me to feel better. I know that now I am only an instrument in his hands to teach his children to return to him. This will happen some day, but I needed to learn this principle about the Lords timing and about The Plan of Salvation. I am so grateful. I'm not saying this is the only reason I had a miscarriage, I know I can't fully know what the cause or why it happened to me until we are on the other side, but I learned some awesome things from it.
I know that one of the biggest reasons we go through trials on this earth is to become closer to Christ. When we are close to Christ we utilize the atonement. This experience allowed me to use Him as my crutch. And come to think of it Ray and I have grown as a couple. :) I love that! It feels like I can look back and see the whole time God was aware. He could see that somehow, right now, having a baby at this time was not in our best interests. And that's okay.
Because I trust him.
