20 things about me!

Well my cousin just wrote in her blog about 20 things she wants her children to know about her  and I think I'll do the same. But well see if I can come up with 20 interesting things.

1. I broke my jaw the summer before 5th grade pushing a wheelbarrow.
2. I tried to do homeschool when we moved across town because I didn't like the middle school and ended up only learning Spanish. And then I stopped using it and can no longer remember it.
3. I was a teen bride. Which, is kinda lame but kinda cool!
4. We bought our first house when I was 20.
5. I dreamed of serving a mission and then I met Ray and he changed everything.
6. We drove to Arizona from Salt Lake on our second date and then I knew I was going to marry him.
7. I wish I could dance well but I can't to save my life.
8. I don't like crowds, I feel very anxious and sometimes paranoid.
9. Yeah I'm super paranoid. That's the world we live in.
10. I cry when I feel the spirit.
11. I love the color green.
12. My dream job is to be a personal shopper.
13. I have terrible vision and I never remember to take out my contacts.
14. I believe in Christ.
15. I can fold my ears inside of my ears. It sounds weird, it looks weirder.
16. I love crafting!
17. I have a terrible sweet tooth.
18. I will listen to all types of music but screamo.
19. My favorito movie is Pretty in Pink.
20. My summers were well spent doing the soul train with the Hanaikes!

Baby girl.

Let me just say if you are sick of hearing about my child, I get it because that's how I was. (You might want to stop reading now because I no longer feel that way.) When you become a parent all of a sudden that's basically all you care about. Somehow it turns everything you do into a purpose for someone other than yourself or your spouse. And really it doesn't even start until the baby is here. Like, I had gestational diabetes while pregnant and yes I was selfish and still ate whatever I wanted not really thinking of how it affected Hadley, and luckily it didn't and she was super healthy!!! But as soon as you leave the hospital and that baby is yours forever things change.  You can't be selfish anymore. I had to think about what I ate so she doesn't get a tummy ache, I had to think about when I could shower so that she wasn't left alone crying for too long, when to go out in public so she doesn't get sick, when to changer a diaper so she doesn't get a rash...the list is endless of selfless things you learn to do and become because this little human is far more important than yourself.  It's crazy. People my age are not parents. At least not the majority of them. Priorities are different! But, I did get married at 19, so...I guess I skipped the whole college thing. You know what, I wouldn't trade that for anything.  This family of mine has given me a different perspective on why we are here! Even though my whole life I was taught that and believed it, when you start living it, then you really understand. God designed families this way for that reason. People always ask me why Mormon families are so huge and why everyone has like 6 kids.  It's so simple. The "churchy" answer would be because "God wants us to multiply and replenish the earth." Aka have kids. It's no secret. But it easier than that, it makes us happy! True happiness. It's not gonna go away like after eating a  juicy good burger and then heartburn kicks in. Or like how I used to love those shoes but then I got blisters so now I hate them. This happiness lasts a lifetime and longer.  (Let me just mention also that the church does not tell us how many kids to have, every couple decides on their own how many to have and when they feel is right for them.) Plain and simple, families make this life worth living. Doesn't mean it's not gonna be hard and that I won't wanna punch the wall when my kids act up. Doesn't mean that we won't have trials and heartbreak, it just means that everything we go through we will go through together, and who better to have along side you than the people you love most?!  I'm so grateful for my little girl! She's given me the opportunity to be a responsible adult, but also  renewed that love I have for Ray. I remember when we first came home from the hospital and we just laid on the bed for a good while and watched everything Hadley girl did. Which wasn't much, but we were so in love with this little girl. We made this little being! And watching each other care for her allowed us to love each other more. Also, it makes me appreciate my parents and in-laws more. Parents do so much for us!!! And being a parent is so gratifying. It doesn't get better than this guys.

So, will I have more kids? Absolutely! 

And of course, I can't blog without putting up pictures. And guess what they are of?! ;)

Piano

So we got a piano from Ray's aunt and I'm so excited :) but it's a little worn so I am going to sand it down and re paint it an ivory color. The problem is that it's covered in leather, so i can strip the leather off or i can paint it?! Ill update later with the after picture. :)

2013 where did last year go?

Every single one of my posts are the same. So instead of saying I never blog I'm just gonna jump right in.

I've been debating whether or not I really even wanted to blog about this and I decided since I don't keep a journal that I will. Hopefully anyone who reads this doesn't feel sorry for me because I don't want that. I just want to talk about it. Because it helps me to understand and move on.

I had a miscarriage in February this year. At first this was really hard for me because I have wanted kids since basically we got married. I was that one wife that was always baby hungry! And when we decided to start trying i could not get pregnant soon enough. So we found out in January we were pregnant an not even a month later after hearing a heart beat and everything the baby was gone. I don't know much to explain about it other than it happened and it was an awful experience on my body, hormones and all, but I have learned so much from it. And I mean spiritually because there's not much i want to learn about miscarriages.

Let me start by saying that from the beginning I was a nervous wreck. And every time we went to the doctor there was something off. I understand that doctors want to put everything out in the open so they don't have to cover their backs later but it was little things like "well you're measuring a week behind so maybe because you were irregular this is why"..."it's possible you ovulated off schedule"..."the baby's heartbeat is low"..."but your hcg is fine, so the baby could be fine"...."We can't know til next week so come back then for another ultrasound and we'll tell you."

How do you just say those things?!?!

Anyways, I get it. I don't blame them. But I went back to that appointment which was the first one I went alone to. Ray and I had a conversation about it that morning and I felt pretty good. I felt like God knew what I wanted and he was going to make sure I was okay and that meant the baby was okay. But I was wrong. That's the thing about God. He doesn't do what we want to happen...unless it's what best for us. And sometimes we forget this.

I laid on that bench and I am happy and excited. We're talking and I'm looking at the screen thinking, "man that thing grew, it looks bigger than last time." The technician hesitated. She searched around on the screen for a while and then she said, " I'm so sorry. I can't find a heart beat. I'm so sorry."

I can't even breathe. I can't even move or think or talk. She says go ahead and get dressed and the doctor will meet you. She says sorry again and leaves. She has an awkward job. (I feel bad for her looking back at it.) I still don't know what to think so I just start going through the motions. "Okay this lady obviously isn't good at her job because she heard a heartbeat last time. What's different now?" I go in the waiting room. I still can't cry because I'm in denial. Ray isn't even here so I know this can't be happening.

They call my name and put me in a room. They take my blood pressure or something and then leave and act like nothing is wrong. "The doctor will be right with you she says." And I loose it. I can feel it. I know it's real. The baby is gone. I'm crying. No, I'm bawling. I'm embarrassed and I am trying to stop myself so the doctor doesn't feel awkward and just when I could contain myself she is here.

But she can't even look at me. She just jumps right into it. I know she feels bad but she should say something then. Instead she is asking me questions like if I had any bleeding or spotting or anything unusual. No I say, nothing is different. Then she gives me three options for "the removal". I can have a D&C, which is expensive. Wait it out and flush it naturally, or take medicine to make it come out quickly. She tells me it could be unsafe to do it naturally because it could take a while and according to my tests the baby died sometime after my last ultrasound and most likely it was even that same day. This is bad because it can cause a lot of damage on my body not to mention it's already been a week and no sign of a miscarriage...so obviously I'm going to take the medicine.

I call Ray and he takes the day off. We go to get the prescription and they girl is looking at us weird. Do you know what this does? Do you know how it works? We say yes the doctor explained it. So she says to call if we have questions and we leave. I don't wanna take it. I keep having this feeling what if we were wrong? But I know we weren't because I was there and I saw. No blood flow to the baby and no heart beat.

Its time to take the medicine so I read the label. This medicine is prescribed for ABORTIONS. I lose it again. How am I just suppose to take this medicine after that? I feel like a terrible person. Like I am killing my child. But Ray tells me it's not my fault and I'm not hurting the baby and I have to take this medicine or my body can get really messed up. Its not the same thing. The doctor said it was the best option after all. But I don't know if I trust her or not now, she didn't even tell me what kind of medicine this was!!!!! But I trust Ray. So I take it. And it forces me to have contractions. And I'm throwing up and I'm on Oxycodone at the same time for pain so I'm loopy and I don't know what's what. and then after about a week of bleeding my child out it's over.

It feels so insensitive to see that I just flushed my once-child down the toilet. I feel like I should be burying it. But that's crazy. And some people don't even think that at this stage it could even be considered a child. Don't get me started on that. There was a heartbeat. Distinct heartbeat. At 7 weeks, given I didn't get this baby for long enough to bond for long. But I was starting to become a mother. I was forming habits and thinking and preparing for this little being to be mine but now it's gone.

I don't blame God. I'm not even angry. At least not at first. At first I am just numb. I rarely even cry actually, because I am just going through the motions. But a week or two later it sinks in. While I'm back at work and I think about how I still have to work until the end of the year! And when I see people who are in high school and get pregnant without even trying!!! And when people ask me when are you going to have kids?! Why don't you have kids yet?! ARE YOU SERIOUS? DO YOU KNOW WHAT I JUST WENT THROUGH? Stop asking when I am gonna have kids.

That phase lasted a few days and then I really started to pray. I am not an angry person and I hated the way i felt. I was angry all the time. I needed closure and to move on. I asked Ray for a blessing and he gave me one. I cried and cried and felt a little better. I decided I needed to study about the Plan of Salvation a little more. And then for the next week it seemed like that's all I ever heard about! A few days later I was visiting teaching and it hit me like a ton of bricks. God knows my desire to be a mother and it will happen but not on my time, it will happen on his time. It was so comforting.

I felt like it all made sense again. Maybe this experience was more of a sign for me to see that Heavenly Father is aware of what I want and what I need. I was always scared that I would not be able to get pregnant. And now I know I can. Maybe that sounds blasphemous but it really helps me to feel better. I know that now I am only an instrument in his hands to teach his children to return to him. This will happen some day, but I needed to learn this principle about the Lords timing and about The Plan of Salvation. I am so grateful. I'm not saying this is the only reason I had a miscarriage, I know I can't fully know what the cause or why it happened to me until we are on the other side, but I learned some awesome things from it.

I know that one of the biggest reasons we go through trials on this earth is to become closer to Christ. When we are close to Christ we utilize the atonement. This experience allowed me to use Him as my crutch. And come to think of it Ray and I have grown as a couple. :) I love that! It feels like I can look back and see the whole time God was aware. He could see that somehow, right now, having a baby at this time was not in our best interests. And that's okay.

Because I trust him.

Hard things.

Sometimes i call home and they dont answer. Rewind 5 years and i would have loved that they did not answer, that means i just bought myself another hour out on the town. And now...Completely different. What could my family possibly be doing that they can not answer their phone/s?!

I think the worst part about living out of state from my family is that they are all growing up without me. It wasn't as bad when we were in Eagar because I got to know Ray's family better and make them my family too but now that we are out in Mesa on our own it's just different! Like, I can't comprehend that Joel and Justin will be 12 this year. And that Jeremy and Hunter will be graduated this year! I can remember when Jeremy was four and he used to choreography dances with me. ;) And now he is all grown up. It's just too scary and i feel sorry for everyone that is older than me and has to watch me grow up too! (haha). It just makes me feel like I wish I could have realized those 5 years ago that family is really all you got and I would have spent a little more time playing board games with them on Sundays instead of locking myself in my room and sleeping all day.

Lesson Learned.

P.S. family, ANSWER YOUR PHONES.




On another note, things are good. Ray is applying for Tempe Police Department and he feels really good about this job. We are really hoping that it works out. :) So we can finally get his foot in the door. And I am working hard on getting my passport so we can travel sometime in our lives! (I've only procrastinated this 3 weeks.) And I am still addicted to PINTEREST and figuring out how to decorate our home.

What else is new...Valentine's Day was laid back like anways and we just went to eat at Native New Yorker and saw This Means War which was actually hilarious. We finally saw a movie we both enjoyed.

Thats about it.

PS:

I'm 2 for 2 at this blogging thing so far! :)

2011

Last year was good to us. :) i love to remember the good times. And i know i didnt really talk about them towards the end of the year so I will just post some quick pictures.


We got to go to california in October for Fright Fest at Six Flags and then Huntington Beach.

 We painted almost every room down stairs. These are some of the colors we used but not all in the same room.

We went to Texas for Thanksgiving and met Jake's woman who makes us all look bad cuz she's so awesome.

 We also when to the Gaylord Hotel finally and looked at the ice sculptures. It was Shrek themed.

And Christmas and New Year's we spent back in AZ. We had some good times at family parties.

And some how he still likes me.

New Decisions.

I have a lot of hope for this year. There is so much right there in our faces i just gotta reach out at grab it. and by IT i mean GOALS. Here is a list of things i would love to do better this year.

1.] Take more pictures. I need to document our lives better. I dont wanna be that mom that cant tell you anything about my kids lives because i dont have pictures and i dont remember!

2.] That goes for blogging as well.

3.] Finish decorating the DOWNstairs of the house. we are partially done with the painting! :) molding is next. everything is coming together.

4.] Work out....

5.] COOK. FULL MEALS. 

6.] read some GOOD books. Less magazines and celebrity TV.

7.] More crafts.

8.] More cleaning.

9.] More DOMESTICATED-NESS.

10.] Take better care of myself.

11.] More preparing for the future. ;)

I am having a hard time thinking right now. So i will have to just blog about this new 2012 ME later.

So ive been looking at pinterest a lot more lately and i am ADDICTED! its awesome, however, they are taking forever to invite me to have an account. i clicked that little button to get one and they are "pending" my request...its not facebook. sheesh.

Bebes on the brain and such.

Soooooo....We make lots of jokes about being pregnant and stuff, I guess its kinda not funny because its a wee bit of a let down. So lets just makes this clear. No, UNFORTUNATELY, we are not pregnant. If you couldn't tell, it's just as a let down to me as it may be to all of you. But, I will let you know when it is FOR REAL. I just love to think about looking down and having a huge tummy with that baby moving inside and how ill waddle and all the fun/not so fun things pregnancy will bring! And then I have those times where I go home for Thanksgiving and the children hate me and I realize I'm so not ready for children! Our day will come and we will love it. Until then, we will enjoy ourselves.

And that we did this last week as we celebrated one year of being married. Holy cow time flies! One year down without too much fit hittin the shan! Here are a few things we have done this last year:

1) Bought and Sold about 7 cars/trucks/motorcycles. We are thinking about doubling this each year. 02 Saturn anyone?

2) After playing bums for 3 months we managed to get good jobs that can support us so far! :) Thanks to the church employment giving us a resume boost class. (SERIOUSLY people if you can't get a job go to them, it really REALLY helps.)

3) Got a dog and survived her passing. (Ray passed on his animal curse to me because 3 weeks later my cat died and i survived that too!)

4) Enjoyed our first callings together. Teaching the 4-5 year old's about Jesus. So many funny memories. Kids really do say/do whatever comes to their mind. I might have also had my skirt looked up a couple of times by a certain little boy... Not sure why that was funny...

5) House hunted until we about died.

6) Waited for our house to be move in ready from March until August until we about died.

7) Moved in the middle of the summer, and we about died.

8) Spontaneously drove to Six Flags with our good friends Josh and Erin for the first weekend of Fright Fest in October. So much fun getting away from life and just relaxing on the beach!

9) Went to Texas for Thanksgiving and TRIED to get through our FIRST BLACK FRIDAY!!!! got a new shirts and pants and shoes and scarfs and everything else imaginable! Also got a steal on Ray's new big screen TV that will actually work now.

10) Celebrated our 1 year anniversary with an airplane ride back home! :) Such Simpletons.

11) Managing our second temporary callings together as Christmas Party peoples. Now I'm running around like a chicken with my head cut off because it is this weekend and THERE IS LOTS TO DO.



I just re-read our list and it doesn't sound that exciting. However, life is good. :)

Thanksgiving.

Well, I am always going to be biased towards this time of year because it will be on or around our anniversary each year. :) So as this year is being our first and we are still poor college people, we will just be spending our time with my side of the family. No fancy get away for us! Anyhow, I bought LaDell a watch for his gift and I couldn't decide if it would be for Christmas or for our anniversary but when it came early in the mail i didn't really have any options! I walked up stairs and he was posing with it on already!!!!! somehow he always finds a way to figure out what his gifts are. So i need some ideas on how to stop that! Anyhow, I am just counting down the days until we leave for Texas. :)

Change!

Turns out I like change after all! :)

Remember that nasty yellow room that actually i loved the color? well look at it now!

this picture doesnt even do justice... but it looks great now. :) im starting to like fixing up our home.

and we got a new dog! her name is jix. she is a 10 month old great pyrenees.

and we were bored and so we took one of ourselves! haha

My little girl.

So, I am finally getting around to posting about my dog.
I guess in some ways I have been trying to avoid it. It was just so random and unexpected that she died so it was hard for me. Not only because of that but, i guess i have never really experienced death before.

Anyways, Harley got parvo when we moved to the new house. And unfortunately we did not notice the symptoms of it until it was too late. :( It happened over Labor Day weekend. She started getting weaker and weaker and would not eat her food. When we were going to take her in it was Monday and everything was closed so we brought her back and basically watched her get worse. And by that night she just looked like the walking dead. It was heartbreaking. Later on that night we smelt this horrible smell all the way upstairs so we went down to see what happened and turns out she had pooped straight blood. :( And so Ray and Ross took her to be put down country boy style.

So, the first couple days of last week were hard for me. I bawled like a baby and it was all i could think about for a while. And that part bugged me that i just couldn't give it up and i felt stupid for crying so much about a dog. but i couldn't help it. the more i thought about it the more confused i felt. i kept wondering what the heck she is doing now and what is next for her like she was a human or something. and then i would wonder what really it was like for animals on the other side? is that dumb? i mean, i don't even need to know that, yet it crossed my mind constantly. and i couldn't let it go. Then one night I was talking to ray and we were talking about how trials in our lives always have a lesson or meaning behind them. He also said that for him facing death is not a scary or hard thing for him because he keeps an eternal perspective. When he said that, first i was mad because hello, i should already have that knowledge and i should already be in that mind set and then instantly i realized that was really what i needed to learn from this.

Yes, it was a dog. And yes she is gone now, but I am grateful to have learned a little more about life and the next step after. I'm trying to gain my eternal perspective and as i study i know ill get there. I think I've also learned more about the atonement, that it helps to heal not only from sin but from sorrows. It's easy to say that you know something but understanding it is completely different. So this experience has helped me to grow so more. It was unfortunate, but essential in life.

To put it short, Ray says, "A trial to some may be a blessing to others."
I think he just made that up. :)

Updates from the last couple months...

I still can't believe it's August guys!

Well here is what we have been up to for the last couple of months:

June we went to Hillary's wedding. :) it was awesome we are so happy for them. And their height difference is cute. hahaha i'm a little bit biased. ;)
And once again, my nephews and niece LOVED and adored Ray and pretended like I didn't exist.



And in July we went up to Eagar and it was tons of fun like always, this time i tried to be brave on the horse and it ended not so great. I was just going back and forth in front of the house and was working my way up to a run when the horse just took off and headed for the main road, that's where i fell of and got this nice little booger, which is now a scar. I got pretty lucky that i fell off before we got into the street and i missed the light poll by like 10 inches, and didn't get a concussion like Nat (sister in law) did... so this cut and some road rash and bruises on my butt and knees were about it. My earring got the most damage. :( May they rest in peace.



And in other news, I CUT MY HAIR! :) it feels so much better with the heat out here i could not stand it for another minute!!!!!! and i went back to my natural color, well i went back to brown i guess i should say...i felt really awkward taking pictures of myself in the parking lot at night outside Albertson. haha oh well.

Walmart on Saturday night.

What a bad idea! The lines were horrible.



But the good news is this:






FOR only like 10 bucks! That's what's up!

Fourth of July Weekend

So, Ray Ray was in the RODEOOOOOOOOOBOW WOW!!! (that's from a song people). Garth Brooks look it up, it's good.


ANYHOW, he was so dang cute up there on that there horsey! :) I only wish I could say the same for me, but that didn't turn out so well because I fell off. And that's a different story.

The race that he did was called the KEG RACE and he ALMOST WON!!!
So basically its like musical chairs with horses. So they start out sitting, jump on their horse and then race around the barrel and hope to get a chair, because one is taken away every time they race. Somehow, LaDell managed to be one of the two left for the last race....

So here is the video from the last race!

Dust in the Wind...

all we are is dust in the wind.

So right now.......THERE IS A CRAZY DUST STORM OUTSIDE. and it is my first. So we dared to go outside and now all i feel is dust in my eyes, and i can taste it and smell it!!!! and i regret going out there! but i just had to experience it you know. i mean, the whole outside is dark from the dust. it was blue and sunny even and then BAM! i took pictures and all you can see is the dust specks!


Tell me this isn't crazy!

Weddings, babies, and life.

Well, it doesn't feel like wedding season, but it is because, we have already been to 3 weddings since ours, and I know there's at least two more before we even have our one year anniversary. But that's okay because I love weddings! So last week we went to my cousin's wedding and then yesterday we went to Ray's cousin's wedding. and that, was the first one I did not cry in! I'm making progress guys! But, seriously, I can't help it once they start talking about families and being together forever I become uncontrollable with the tears.

We went to institute a few weeks ago with our friends Brady and Emma from our ward and it was SUCH an awesome class. We talked about the creation and stuff and how it relates to the atonement and then, at the end of class the teacher put on this video and in the end it said something about how the whole purpose and such was to have and experience families... that was the jist of it, anyhow, the guy puts up a picture of his family afterwards and says, "Heavenly father did all of this so I could have THIS family"...and he was crying a little bit, and okay lets face it I WANTED TO CRY TOO! but since Ray and I and Brady and Emma were the only married people in there it would just be odd. So i held it in. But really guys, that's such an amazing thing. Wish you could have been there because it was an eye opener.

Which reminds me, HOLY COW everyone is having babies!!!!!!! Are we missing something here???!?!?!? haha :) I'm happy for you all and one day we will have children too and our children will be friendsies and play. Which brings me back to families. Seriously, that's really what its all about. and i LOVE that. Family is the backbone. Enough said. I'm gonna put up some pictures now because its been a long while. :)




p.s. Ray shaved his beard again but he will not allow pictures, so sorry!

Newest member of the family.

So, we have a new member of the family! We thought long and hard about when we should buy another and we were taking our time but then one day we just couldn't take it anymore and we bought one! And she is so much fun, I could play with her all day and not get bored and she NEVER ceases to surprises me... and I mean NEVER. We've actually had her for a while now but I just haven't blogged in forever so I'm just now getting around to introducing her to y'all. :) She's cute too. Harley, does not like her however, she gets scared whenever she comes around her because the new girl is loud and annoying. Not to mention she is bigger than her. But I still love her just the same. Anyhow, I'm sure you guys are all just on the edge of your seats with anticipations to see pictures of her. So HERE SHE IS! (PS her name is Eureka and I love her very much).















Surprised it's not a dog?

So, let me just tell you that Ray and I had not vacuumed in our apartment since we moved in. And, it's not because we are gross, but just that the vacuum we bought was from DI and it smelled like wet dog everytime we turned it on so i REFUSED to use it. BUT, i couldn't handle how bad our carpet looked. And if you know me at all, you know I LOVE to vacuum. So, I made us go to walmart and buy a new one and I LOVE IT! :) I have to vacuum at least once a week. if I had more time it would be everyday but, so far I do not. Anyhow, we feel like we can breathe again, and Ray will actually take off his shoes when he comes in. :) Hahah! this is a good thing.



And in other news, my hair is basically blonde. And i mean BLONDE. [Refer to pictures].



Well, what do you think? It was really hard to get used to for me at first, but I'm starting to come around. Ray LOVES it.

That is all for now, adios!